Looking for a map
Do you ever feel a bit lost? A bit unsure of who you are any more and not entirely sure where you fit in?
It’s a feeling that’s been bubbling under the surface for a while now and seems to be demanding that I pay attention to it and make some decisions. Nothing life changing but maybe just a few things to make myself feel comfortable again.
I’m not sure why this happening now but it is. Maybe a combination of going from stay at home mum to work at home mum and losing the weight that I’ve hidden behind for many, many months?
Perhaps knowing that in less than 6 months Miss P starts pre-school and we’re on to the next stage?
Is it finally accepting that I am in fact a wife and mother rather than just someone playing at it? Does that even make sense to anyone?
I’ve no idea really. Just theories.
So. Change. And decisions.
Perhaps a bit of bravery and realising that as the weight is coming off, I’ll have to buy new clothes. And they don’t have to be the same old thing. That I can wear the skirts and dresses, alongside my trusty jeans, which I look at longingly. There’s no reason why I can’t. I doubt anyone will laugh at me.
That my blog is mine to do with as I wish. That I don’t have to stay stuck in the parent blogging world, that I don’t have to follow people just because I think I should, when I know that reading their tweets and so on will just frustrate and irritate me.
I’ve had conversations in the last few weeks where I have said that I am not a mummy blogger, rather I am just a blogger. That I don’t want the restriction on what I write about and I don’t want to feel guilty if the occasional swear word appears on my blog. Perhaps it’s time I actually did something about that, reached out properly to the bloggy world beyond the parenting circles and hit the unfollow button when I feel like it?
Perhaps the fact that we’ve finally decided on how we want to decorate will help. A half decorated house can feel as if we have only half claimed the house as ours. We need to make our mark throughout, even if it a very delayed year later.
Life is fluid and things change constantly. People change constantly.
Maybe it’s time I allowed myself to do the same.